The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.
Hello beautiful people!
Happy New Year. I just wanted to post a quick note. I will be taking some time off from writing to this blog. I’ll share more when I know more via email. Thank you for your attention, responses publicly and privately and your readership. I hope to continue this endeavor in the near future.
Much Love,
Mariam-Saba
Is there an unpleasant memory that sticks with you no matter how much you try to banish it? If so, consider it now.
Drop into your heart as you consider this memory. What makes it unpleasant to remember? Do you have a regret? Do you feel embarrassed by something you did? Do you have a feeling that is associated with it that doesn’t make sense?
Many faith traditions warn against pride or boasting, which often results in a fear of boasting or bragging. Unfortunately the fear of boasting can result in an individual to not show up or in other words hide. In an attempt to not boast, one can unintentionally hide skills and talents with important people, such as potential employers, or good friends. In an attempt to be modest, if not done in a moderate and healthy way can result in a person staying hidden or unknown. Not showing up in relationships authentically in this way results in not being seen or known and in lack of connection with others. Being seen, feeling known, connection with others are all basic human needs.
In addition, current research in mental health and human psychology point out that healthy self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and feelings of self-respect result from authentic pride. In sharing authentic pride, it is one way we can build and support this within ourselves. So, it is important not to boast and yet it is important to be seen, known, connect with others, maintain healthy self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-respect. Where is the line between boasting, bragging or expressing hubristic pride and authentically sharing who we are and authentic pride?
Clearly the blanket statement of one “should not boast” requires clarification in an age where low self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect is rampant.
Humor is like a double-headed axe. This type of tool is wonderfully effective if used by someone who understands how to handle it and use it well. However, if the user doesn’t understand the tool they are using they can cause serious and long-lasting harm to others and themselves without intending to.
Ridicule and its cousins inherently create separation. It calls attention to something undesirable, exaggerating it and drawing attention away from merits or favorable qualities. Those who agree become part of the “us” or “we” group. Those who disagree or align with the unfavorable trait become “them.”
By creating separation, now there is the ability to create a better-than-less-than situation within the group dynamic. That which is laughed at, and thus who align with that which is laughed at, is automatically demoted and less-than. Those who laugh are elevated to better-than. In this way humor is used as a power move. If someone in the less-than category brings the light of Truth to the situation, they are automatically slapped back down with a well timed “It’s just a joke! Geez, can’t you just take a joke?” which itself is another kind of power move.
To address envy, know that the cause of it is most often not related to the object of the envy. Journaling, talking about it, meditating, sitting in remembrance, can all help bring out the root cause for why the emotions are happening. Ask yourself “What’s behind this envy?” and be willing to be surprised by your answer. It may take you somewhere you didn’t expect to go.
Is the envy due to a low self-esteem issue rooted in unmet needs as a child? Is it from false beliefs that there isn’t enough in the world to support you and your needs, wants, life goals or visions? Is it due to fear that you’re not important or good enough or loved enough? Does it come from a desire to feel worthy? Does it impact your sense of safety or provision? Truly, be willing to be surprised at what you find is behind the envy. Be kind and free from self-judgment. Envy is a blameworthy trait, but I am willing to bet, one who feels it came by it honestly. We can’t remove blameworthy characteristics until we’re ready.
When we determine that our jealousy indeed crosses into the realm of irrational or blameworthy characteristic, we can then look at what’s behind it. Irrational jealousy often stems from insecurity or poor self-image. Thus it is important to face whatever fears that results in the jealousy. It could be a fear of losing your partner, your standing in the family (jealousy by one parent, when a new baby is born, is very common), or fear of failure. If the fear can be identified, then it can be dealt with directly rather than trying to manipulate the feeling of jealousy away or distract from it.
Good and bad people are simple terms used to describe types of people to young children. To keep young children safe, we say there are good people and bad people in the world. To stay safe we need to stay away from “bad people.” The problem arises when as young children grow, the terms good and bad aren’t more specifically defined. I define them more precisely as people with good character or bad character. Someone with good character is someone who is generally reliable, trustworthy, honest, kind, etc. They carry or have developed desirable character traits, traits we want to see in our friends and loved ones. A person who has bad character is someone who largely carries blameworthy character traits such as tendencies to blame, gossip, backbite and so on. People with perfectly cleaned character traits are rare. The average person is a mix of desirable and blameworthy character traits.
Healthy shame keeps the door open and points us in the direction of cleaning our blameworthy character traits. “I am not as reliable as I thought I was.” There’s nothing in the way to say we can’t change and improve. Toxic shame closes the door and says there’s no hope of change. “I am bad.” Bad is so general there’s no map on what to improve let alone how to improve it. When we can define our missteps, we can define and see which way is out. Clarity comes with action steps taken such as contacting our support people. Toxic shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgment. Toxic shame grows as the behavior continues and can be so overwhelming that it can lead to addiction, depression and suicide.
It was incredible to see how failure was as valuable as success. There was no longer any good or bad associated with failure, or even success. Talk about new levels of freedom. Realizing that was really freeing. It freed me to stop judging myself with those standards. It freed me to also grow and accept that making mistakes, which I viewed as failures, was a crucial part of my growth and development. I mine my mistakes for information, even now. Especially now. I don’t love them, but I don’t dread them like I once did.
Being right can be important in certain work relationships and situations. Certainly, for engineers, accountants, and doctors where other people’s lives are completely affected by these professionals’ technical decisions, making correct decisions is highly important. In contrast, perhaps, being right is not the thing to focus on in relationships where emotional connection is so hugely important. It is easy to see how confusing that can be when both types of relationships require high levels of trust, safety, respect and being valued. And yet, the importance of being “right” is not relevant or valid most of the time in a healthy, loving, supportive romantic relationship. Those qualities that harbor and protect the connection in the relationship are way more important. Things like play, fun, emotional protection, humor and affection. This is why in marriage it is imperative to have skills like attunement to your partner’s reality.
The only way one can attune to their partner’s reality is if they can hold two realities at once, if they can honor and respect both realities. It’s not about throwing away our reality and taking on another person’s reality as our own, so we can match and sync up. Destroying your own reality is as bad as belittling or diminishing someone else’s reality. It’s about honoring both at the same time.
It asked a question: “Would you speak to your best friend this way?” Uuuuhhh, No! Absolutely not! She wouldn’t be my friend at all, no one would, if I said even one of these things to someone else.
The article continued with: “If you said ‘no,’ then why do you speak to yourself this way?” I thought my reason was good. I thought my negative self-talk pushed me to do better than others. I thought it was the reason I succeeded in my endeavors.
The article continued with, “Why not be your own best friend?”
By seeing my points of progress, I have a much better view of myself. I see myself as a work in progress, rather than a bad person that needs fixing. I have more patience, love, pride and compassion for myself. I can see that I’m worthy of those things…Afterall, how do you make a painting? One brush stroke at a time. A painting doesn’t just appear in front of you. It’s made of lots of individual strokes.
Upon leaving medical school and officially moving out of my parent’s home, I physically crashed and developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Resting was no longer an option but a necessity. Initially I thought I had a really bad cold so when I went to see my doctor and he told me his suspicion…I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I didn’t know this could happen. How did people survive if they just struggled to get out of bed in the morning for months or even years on end?
Once we understand what a metaphorical or spiritual picture is, then we can explore how pictures can become a root to projection. By projection I mean the psychological idea of taking our experiences in our history, when we haven’t fully processed them internally, and interpreting current experiences inaccurately as the same as those historical experiences. A great example of where we almost always have multiple pictures that need breaking is in marriage.
We hold on to pictures, even the pieces of them for many reasons. For me, it’s often fear. If I look away from my picture at the unknown, how terrible would the truth really be? How much more will it hurt than the picture? However, so far, the truth has been so much more merciful than the beliefs, expectations and imaginings I clung to. Real Truth is never without Mercy, Compassion and Love. In Divine Reality, Truth and Love are one and never separate. It’s easier said than done, but these moments where we break our pictures and release them, are those moments where rubber meets road. It’s the place where we prove we believe it enough to act on it. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it terrible and painful. So far it’s ALWAYS been worth it.
A friend of mine teaches that we’re here on this planet to learn about love. We’re all attending “Love School.”…
“Love is Truth.”
It turned my whole reality on its head to realize, for me, love is not blind. Love helps me see the truth more clearly. I see people as they really are. Love allows me to see people’s defects of character and gives me the freedom from judgment. Life has taught me discernment – what defects of character can I tolerate and at what level of intimacy or interactions. This discernment is what keeps me safe and my life manageable. Seeing people as “flawed” and detecting those flaws didn’t actually keep me safe. Perceiving people in such a way moved me towards judging others and the scale of better than/worse than.
Letting go of our self-identity feels scary. It feels like death. It kind of is a death, but the death of a false construct. The false identity was never really who we were despite what we felt and believed. Letting it die doesn’t change anything in the world. It only frees our anchor in the river and allows us to flow freely with life again. Something we used to do as children until we stopped.
Letting our self-identity die frees us to perceive the world around us differently. We’re free to grow, change, evolve and connect more with the Divine. Our hardened identities can prevent us from connecting with Allah, and experiencing Allah around us. It can prevent us from developing a personal relationship with Allah.
If we cling to our self-identity, it can be a form of false worship, or shirk. It all comes about from a fear of the unknown. The fear keeps us trapped and stagnant, when life and existence all around us is change, growth and movement. We’re constantly being invited to surrender into its flow.
One of my teachers in spiritual healing school once did a demonstration. She took a thick rope and held onto one end of it. Then she asked a student to hold on to the other end. Once the student was holding it, she gave it enough pull, tension, so the rope felt tight and the student felt like she was being pulled toward something. Our teacher taught us to hold onto “the rope of Allah” like the student was holding to the physical rope. She taught us to always look for the rope of Allah and hold on tight. As I practice that, I find that I am able to feel less thrown around by events going on around me, or even to me.
Once I have a set of interpretations, I can find myself drift away from the facts by holding onto the interpretations tighter than I hold on to the real facts. Interpretations themselves are stories. As I collect more stories from interacting with people (same or others) then more stories are built and I can fall into the trap of collecting these stories together as a “proof” I’m right about something. Proofs got built on top of other stories or interpretations, until I was convinced my partner was a man that didn’t exist anywhere except in my head. That’s how projection starts and then get built on or develop. The problem with projections is they feel like reality, truth and clever insight but really, projections and interpretations are pure fantasies, created from my fears based on my history.
That’s how Allah works in my life sometimes. I love it when things come together like that. Like a big ocean wave hitting the shore. It can feel violent to an onlooker, but for someone as desperately thirsty as I have been, I desire and welcome it. It leaves me with a sense of Awe and Gratitude for Allah and His Love for me, His Patience with me, His careful Care for me and His continued Guidance for me.
“At its core, I think love is help. Everybody is having a hard time. So love is really devotion to their struggle. It’s when you’re committed to helping somebody with their life. Helping them to suffer less. Helping them to manage their minds and their emotions. I think love is a deep desire for our loved one’s growth and their blossoming and their all-around wellbeing. When you love somebody, you want them to feel good, and you want to see them succeed in life. Love really demands an in-depth understanding of their hopes, and their dreams and their fears, their needs and trauma. I think love is giving and sharing our gifts for the purpose of nurturing them and empowering them and helping them to create their greatest joys.” ~Will Smith
