Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

blameworthy traits

Boasting and Delusion

Boasting and Delusion

Many faith traditions warn against pride or boasting, which often results in a fear of boasting or bragging. Unfortunately the fear of boasting can result in an individual to not show up or in other words hide. In an attempt to not boast, one can unintentionally hide skills and talents with important people, such as potential employers, or good friends. In an attempt to be modest, if not done in a moderate and healthy way can result in a person staying hidden or unknown. Not showing up in relationships authentically in this way results in not being seen or known and in lack of connection with others. Being seen, feeling known, connection with others are all basic human needs.

In addition, current research in mental health and human psychology point out that healthy self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and feelings of self-respect result from authentic pride. In sharing authentic pride, it is one way we can build and support this within ourselves. So, it is important not to boast and yet it is important to be seen, known, connect with others, maintain healthy self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-respect. Where is the line between boasting, bragging or expressing hubristic pride and authentically sharing who we are and authentic pride?

Clearly the blanket statement of one “should not boast” requires clarification in an age where low self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect is rampant.

Ridicule, Mocking, Taunting, Jesting

Ridicule, Mocking, Taunting, Jesting

Humor is like a double-headed axe. This type of tool is wonderfully effective if used by someone who understands how to handle it and use it well. However, if the user doesn’t understand the tool they are using they can cause serious and long-lasting harm to others and themselves without intending to.

Ridicule and its cousins inherently create separation. It calls attention to something undesirable, exaggerating it and drawing attention away from merits or favorable qualities. Those who agree become part of the “us” or “we” group. Those who disagree or align with the unfavorable trait become “them.”

By creating separation, now there is the ability to create a better-than-less-than situation within the group dynamic. That which is laughed at, and thus who align with that which is laughed at, is automatically demoted and less-than. Those who laugh are elevated to better-than. In this way humor is used as a power move. If someone in the less-than category brings the light of Truth to the situation, they are automatically slapped back down with a well timed “It’s just a joke! Geez, can’t you just take a joke?” which itself is another kind of power move.

Clearing the Rust of Envy

Clearing the Rust of Envy

To address envy, know that the cause of it is most often not related to the object of the envy. Journaling, talking about it, meditating, sitting in remembrance, can all help bring out the root cause for why the emotions are happening. Ask yourself “What’s behind this envy?” and be willing to be surprised by your answer. It may take you somewhere you didn’t expect to go.

Is the envy due to a low self-esteem issue rooted in unmet needs as a child? Is it from false beliefs that there isn’t enough in the world to support you and your needs, wants, life goals or visions? Is it due to fear that you’re not important or good enough or loved enough? Does it come from a desire to feel worthy? Does it impact your sense of safety or provision? Truly, be willing to be surprised at what you find is behind the envy. Be kind and free from self-judgment. Envy is a blameworthy trait, but I am willing to bet, one who feels it came by it honestly. We can’t remove blameworthy characteristics until we’re ready.

Is Jealousy a Blameworthy Characteristic?

Is Jealousy a Blameworthy Characteristic?

When we determine that our jealousy indeed crosses into the realm of irrational or blameworthy characteristic, we can then look at what’s behind it. Irrational jealousy often stems from insecurity or poor self-image. Thus it is important to face whatever fears that results in the jealousy. It could be a fear of losing your partner, your standing in the family (jealousy by one parent, when a new baby is born, is very common), or fear of failure. If the fear can be identified, then it can be dealt with directly rather than trying to manipulate the feeling of jealousy away or distract from it.

Healthy versus Toxic Shame

Healthy versus Toxic Shame

Good and bad people are simple terms used to describe types of people to young children. To keep young children safe, we say there are good people and bad people in the world. To stay safe we need to stay away from “bad people.” The problem arises when as young children grow, the terms good and bad aren’t more specifically defined. I define them more precisely as people with good character or bad character. Someone with good character is someone who is generally reliable, trustworthy, honest, kind, etc. They carry or have developed desirable character traits, traits we want to see in our friends and loved ones. A person who has bad character is someone who largely carries blameworthy character traits such as tendencies to blame, gossip, backbite and so on. People with perfectly cleaned character traits are rare. The average person is a mix of desirable and blameworthy character traits.

Healthy shame keeps the door open and points us in the direction of cleaning our blameworthy character traits. “I am not as reliable as I thought I was.” There’s nothing in the way to say we can’t change and improve. Toxic shame closes the door and says there’s no hope of change. “I am bad.” Bad is so general there’s no map on what to improve let alone how to improve it. When we can define our missteps, we can define and see which way is out. Clarity comes with action steps taken such as contacting our support people. Toxic shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgment. Toxic shame grows as the behavior continues and can be so overwhelming that it can lead to addiction, depression and suicide.

Seduction of Blame

Seduction of Blame

Blame is seductive. It easily turns someone from looking inward to outward at another person or thing. It says “don’t look here, look over there. It will feel better.” And when that happens, there’s a subtle shifting of power. Suddenly that person has the power to ruin my day, my weekend, my season, my year, my life. Blame doesn’t identify a good person or a bad person. In every day situations, blame disempowers us and tricks us into looking away from the truth and reality of the situation.