What’s the point of sharing my perspective if I know how the other person is going to react and I don’t want to deal with it?
As an adult, because of my unresolved childhood issues, I often engaged with people in unhealthy relationships. With friends, where the relationship was healthier, I didn’t see it for the way it was but projected my beliefs and past all over it. That’s part of being human. We see something we think we’ve seen before, we assume we know and understand it, when in reality we’re projecting our past all over it and not necessarily seeing it for what it is in the here and now.
For example, I used to feel like I didn’t belong in my family, that I was too different and there was something wrong with me. When I entered group settings, as an adult, I unconsciously looked for signs and proofs that I didn’t belong. Since we’re each unique, there will always be differences I can hone in on. The problem isn’t the differences, but the fact that I used those list of differences to prove to myself that I didn’t belong. The reality was those differences didn’t necessarily add up to that. If I walk into an American Islamic-hate political rally, yeah, that’s a place where I don’t belong. If I walk into a group of American Muslim sisters that are sitting and studying the Qur’an together, oh and they happen to be managers, business owners and entrepreneurs, that is a particular place where I do belong. It used to be that emotionally, both places felt equally unsafe, because I could find just as many differences between me and the hate group, as me and the sisters’ study group. In other words, I projected my childhood belief that I “don’t belong anywhere” onto the situation regardless of the reality.
A person healthier in the arena of belonging, is likely to walk into a new group setting and look for signs that they do belong. They’re defense mechanisms aren’t activated and they aren’t looking for information to skew into proof one way or the other. If anything, a healthier person wants to belong and find real signs they belong. If there aren’t enough then they leave. Easy peasy.
In the previous post, I shared about expectations. Expectations certainly played a role in this unhealthy pattern. I expected to not belong so I looked for signs to use as proof that I didn’t belong. Another place that my unrealistic expectations strongly influenced my relationships was in my discernment of when to speak up for myself. I expected that upon speaking up, nothing would change. If nothing would change, what was the point in speaking up? It just hurt to speak up, only to gather further data that no one cared to do anything about it. I knew certain people so well in my life that I could predict that if I said something particular, the exact words that would come out of these people’s mouths, the emotions they would display, even the judgments they would have about me. So what’s the point in speaking up if I already know what’s going to happen?
Super valid question, right?
The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.
By playing both sides of a relationship, who am I really in relationship with? Is the relationship with me and the person in front of me? Or has the relationship become between me and the persona I’ve created in my head of this person? Is that persona a real person? No, they’re a persona in my imagination. By making decisions based on the persona and choosing not to show up in the relationship, I’m robbing the other person of their opportunities. I’ve squished the whole interaction into a play in my head and the other person has become a character in the play. They didn’t actually play out their part, and I didn’t actually witness the choices they made. I did this with my ex-husband. It was shocking to realize what I had done. When I realized how true and prevalent this was in my life, I immediately became curious, who was my partner really? What about others I had done this with, like family members? Especially with my family of origin, I imagined them to be who they were 20 or even 30 years ago. Who were they now? I didn’t really know, because I’d been engaged in the persona of them in my head for so long, not who they really were in the here and now.
To really meet people and see who they are, I had to un-squish the scenarios. I went from processing my experience of something challenging to deciding it wasn’t worth bringing it up and having to deal with the conflict that would arise from speaking up. Instead, I needed to stay on my side of the street and simply process my experience of something challenging, and identify what my needs and wants were.
It was scary to face my needs and wants, especially my needs. What if my needs wouldn’t be met? For me, because I didn’t used to have boundaries or a healthy sense of self-worth, I could jump to questioning whether I was loveable or worthy. That’s super painful. It was no wonder I skipped over this step. But it was time to stop skipping over it because I didn’t want to be in relationship with me and my fantasies anymore. With tools in my toolbox (such as affirmations) I parsed out what my reality of the difficult situation was and then looked at what I wanted and what I needed. When I had all this information, I was ready to speak up, i.e. show up, in the relationship. If I stay on my side of the street in a relationship, then I only need to speak and share what’s on my side.
The next step was then actually showing up. I showed up in a kind manner (part of my value system) and shared whatever I needed to share, keeping in mind my needs and wants. Now my job was to see if the other person shows up too or not. Whatever happens from this point forward is
Them showing up in the relationship however they show up and
Data for me – really important data. In both cases, it is really important I listen and pay attention.
After I show up and speak my truth, then my job is to listen and pay attention. Observe.
If the person shows up in reaction full of defense mechanisms, that’s really important for me to see. This person may not be available to engage in relationship over something like this. If the other person is busy in reaction and defense mechanisms then they are not available to meet my needs or hear my wants.
Perhaps their reaction is only temporary. If I’m patient maybe they sort through it and become available at a later date. Maybe they don’t, even with patience.
Also a distinct possibility, the person can surprise me, show up themselves, share their reality and maybe even we come to play where my needs are met.
Whatever happens, it’s really important information about the health of our relationship or another way to put it, the other person’s availability. I’m no longer engaging with a persona in my head, I’m engaging with the real person in the real world. Once I’ve spoken up, they are given the choice to choose how they want to engage back. Do they want to show up and share their reality? Do they want to react? Do they need to feel right? Do they need to put me down? Do they hear me, see me, know me, or understand me? Do they need to lie or hide?
Once I have witnessed the other person’s choices, I now have real information, real data. I can make a choice from here regarding my future interactions with them.
Is this person emotionally available? Did they share their reality and emotions too?
Is this person intellectually available? (such as a work collegue) Did they share their intellectual reality?
Is this person reactive? Are they unavailable and perhaps running away via defense mechanisms?
Is this person secretive? Are they hiding the truth from themselves? Are they trying to hide from me?
Is this person’s relationship skills immature? Are they unable to hear, see, know or understand me?
Can my needs be met in this relationship?
Is this person trustworthy?
This fourth step is a reflection step. Basically, this person has revealed their character to me in the choices they’ve made, consciously or unconsciously, when I asked them to show up in a conversation. Their choices inform my perception of their character. Perhaps this person is great in areas of money, work and as a gym buddy, but not as a personal friend. Perhaps this person in front of me is a great personal friend but would not make a good business partner. This process I am outlining has helped me discern who I’m interacting with in reality, to minimize projections of my past on to people in my present life, and allows me to accept each person where they are at without judgment. We all have growing edges. I want this information, not to judge someone, but to determine whether it is wise for me to engage in particular ways with an individual. I don’t want to get hurt, and my job is to take care and protect myself. This is one of the ways I am learning to adult.
To recap and summarize, my steps to disengage from playing out both sides of a relationship, I had to un-squish my process in the following way:
Process the difficult interaction personally. This is a reflection step. I must identify my needs and wants. Bonus: I identify my expectations. Were they met or not met? Do my expectations and their state (met vs unmet expectations) play a role in my feelings about the situation?
Show up and share my reality with the actual person, not the extension or persona I’ve created in my head.
Listen and pay attention. Witness the other person’s choices in how they choose to show up and gather data. It’s important that I keep my judgements out of the data gathering process.
Reflect on the data I have gathered. This is another reflection step.
In the Qur’an Muslims are commanded, literally commanded, to reflect. I think this is part of the reason why it’s so important. It’s in our nature to project and engage in defense mechanisms. There’s nothing wrong with us that we engage in defense mechanisms. It’s human. It is important to our maturation as humans to eventually develop away from defense mechanisms. An important tool to break free from unconscious behavior and programming is reflection. It’s no surprise that two of the four steps in this process is a step requiring reflection, thought or another word: consciousness.
Reflection is where we empower ourselves.
Why is reflection so important? Reflection is where we empower ourselves. By not engaging in playing both sides of the relationship, by staying on my side of the street in relationship, witnessing then reflecting on what played out in front me, choices opened up in front of me. I wasn’t trapped in the relationship and what the other person chose to do. Despite what victim-mentality would attempt to convince me to believe, I didn’t just have to live with their choices and suffer not getting my needs met. In the reflection steps, I identified my needs and wants. In the reflection steps, I identified what played out in front of me. Were my needs and wants taken into consideration? Were they heard, seen or known? Were they acknowledged?
The power of having this information, means I am empowered to make informed decisions moving forward. If this person was available to hear, see, know me, and even better willing to meet my needs, then I feel confident in engaging further with this person on these types of matters (such as matters of money, or emotions or work). If this person heard, saw and understood me, but was not willing to meet my needs, then I know this person is not entirely available and I now am empowered to choose where I go to get my needs met elsewhere. Perhaps I can meet my own needs. Perhaps Allah is asking me to turn to Him to meet my needs. Perhaps I need to go to someone else. If this person didn’t hear, see or know me, then I am empowered to turn elsewhere to get my needs met in this particular arena. It doesn’t mean cutting the other person out of my life, it means resetting my expectations, based on data, of what this person is available for. I am empowered with information and can make informed choices moving forward. Reflection opens the door to empowerment.
Reflection opens the door to empowerment.
So, what’s the point in speaking up, in self-advocacy or showing up in relationships? The point is to actually engage in relationship with the person in front of us and not the persona we might have created in our imagination, no matter how realistic or accurate. The point is to allow the other person choice, let them choose to show up however they show up. The point is to let ourselves grow and mature in our own relationship skills, to engage in the self-growth process of seeing who we choose to interact with and give ourselves the chance to reflect on why and whether we want to continue to do so or not.
The point is to un-squish the process and let in Light into the space between us and the other person. It’s one way to watch what Allah makes over time. If we’re willing to be surprised, we may witness things we never imagined possible, because we’re all human and we just never know when someone will grow and change and start making different choices. The point is to let us learn and grow and possibly make different choices. The point is to empower us to make informed choices confidently, even in the nebulous realm of relationships.
May we each make choices and move from places of informed and conscious empowerment in our lives. Ameen.
Peace and Light,
Mariam-Saba
There are many tools and paths to healing. One that I use and encourage my clients to use are affirmations. I’d like to extend this healing tool to you as well. Whether you use them for healing or just to brighten your day, every day for 99 days I’ll send an affirmation directly to your inbox! All you have to do is tell me where to send it.
If after 99 days you want to remain connected, I’ll send you news and updates on my various art projects and offerings, stories to uplift and inspire you, and even exclusive offers. May these affirmations nourish and strengthen your heart.
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