I used to be terrified of being lonely. As a result, I was fearful of being alone. I was so scared of being alone, I made a pact with a girlfriend in college, that if we both were single in our advanced years, we would live together. That pact, blindly trusting and relying on it, got me through some dark days. I will always be grateful she was willing to be that person for me.
Last night, in a women’s divorce support group, I was asked to consider two things. First, I was asked to consider the difference between loneliness and being alone. Second, I was asked in what way loneliness impacts my day-to-day life.
It is amazing how much my answer has shifted from what I would have answered in college to now. I now understand, in the past, the sensation of loneliness used to trigger immense historical pain from childhood. It turned out I didn’t fear loneliness, nor being alone. I feared the immense pain that inevitably followed on the heels of feeling lonely.
Today, for me, feeling lonely is a sensation that is a signal informing me of a need for connection. It’s like the sensation of hunger. If I meet the need, I can move about my day as I intended. If I choose to not eat when I feel hungry, then the pang of hunger, the need, becomes more insistent and attention grabbing. If I start to feel lonely, I need to pick up my phone and reach out. As meeting my need for food takes careful attention, time and energy, so does my need for connection require careful attention, time and energy. Some examples of what it takes to feed ourselves: we work to earn money to pay for food, we make grocery lists, we have special rooms dedicated to food preparation and consumption, we make special trips to obtain food at markets.
To meet my need for connection, requires similar efforts. I pay attention to the health of my social network. I attend social gatherings to meet new people and maintain established relationships. I make phone calls, leave messages in social media, write and respond to emails. Taking responsibility for my emotional needs is no different than taking responsibility for my physical needs. Just as I know I need to eat three meals a day to take care of my physical health, I know I need to make at least one phone call a day and reach out to one or two people via text, to take care of my emotional health. To take care of my emotional need, I must experience authentic connection with another human being. And if I get distracted, I have loneliness to remind me. All I have to do is pay attention.
“Taking responsibility for my emotional needs is no different than taking responsibility for my physical needs.”
When I consider the word “alone,” I think of solitude. I no longer fear solitude, but welcome and enjoy it. It permits me to have the space to reflect on my life and be present with Allah more deeply. I can more fully witness what Allah makes in my life, and more often than not, have the space to process it. And each time I do so, I move closer to manifesting my fitra, and it’s miraculous to know and understand that.
It’s amazing to consider how much I have grown, when only a few short years ago, I truly believed I would never change or grow. That it was actually impossible to change. That was so painful to believe. I truly celebrate and feel grateful that I no longer live in fear of loneliness or of “being alone”. Alhamdulillah. May we all live in celebration and be free from fear of loneliness or “being alone”. Ameen. Peace and love.
Does loneliness impact you on a day-to-day basis? How? Do you enjoy being alone? Please share in the comments below.
“Say, [O Muhammad], ‘I advise you to do one thing only: stand before Allah, by twos and singly, then reflect.’…”
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