The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.
Understanding that there are different levels and kinds of forgiveness makes it easier to forgive without feeling like I have to betray myself or ignore my pain. I have options in what kind of forgiveness I want to give so I can let go of the burden of carrying the consequences of my or someone else’s mistakes.
I also used to believe that forgiveness meant an automatic restoration of trust. “I forgive you” meant “okay, I’m over it. We can go back to the way things were.” Or “I accept your reality as my own. I still love you. I accept you. Let’s be friendly again.” Inherent to that understanding of forgiveness, was a condoning of the other person’s actions. “If I forgive you, I’ll eventually always forgive you for this, because it’s forgivable. Therefore, if it’s forgivable, it’s not that bad.” If I didn’t agree with that, then it became important to NOT forgive someone. Not forgiving someone was somehow meant to be a message to that person conveying that something wasn’t okay.
So, there are people in the world, that I love, and it’s not safe to keep them in my life. When they choose to treat me poorly, without love, care, respect, forgiveness, compassion or mercy, it hurts and possibly could negatively impact my self-esteem. How do I let go of them with love?
I’ve worked through the anger, blame, betrayal and disappointment. I’ve reset my expectations. I’ve tried meeting with them each and confirmed they’re not emotionally available for friendship and still don’t know or trust me. The final step feels like really letting them go, release them back to the universe or place them in Allah’s Hand. Some part of me wants to hold on, saying “I love you. Don’t leave.” But clinging to an idea, a dream, isn’t love. Love between two people is an action word. Real love in the space between us are real actions between us. I don’t want to live with one-sided love anymore.
