I think part of the reason forgiveness is confusing is because in English we have one word to describe something multifaceted. There are different kinds of love and yet we use the one word to refer to them all. We are left to rely on context and our own personal experiences to discern what is actually being discussed. Unlike the word love, I don’t hear it acknowledged that there is more than one kind of forgiveness. So here’s what I’m talking about.
In various faiths, there are certain descriptor words that are specially selected to describe God. In Islam, we acknowledge thousands of definitions of God but focus on 99 “Names” or “Qualities”. Of course we have minor disagreements on which 99 Qualities to focus on, however most versions of lists contain the following four that are more directly linked to forgiveness: at-Tawwab, al-Ghaffar, al-Ghaffur, al-Afuw.
At-Tawwab: The One who accepts repentance, the One who leads to the return (root: t-w-b contains the meaning to forgive, forgiving, merciful, contrition).
Al-Ghaffar: The All-Forgiving, the One who forgives (whenever something should be forgiven), the One who forgives time and again.
Al-Ghaffur: The All-Forgiving, to forgive all weaknesses and errors
Al-‘Afuw: The One who Forgives (and erases all traces)
I like to think of forgiveness as a type of “letting go”. I talk about it in this [What is Forgiveness; December] post. Until I reflected on these Names, I didn’t realize there were different kinds of letting go. I may not be God but we were “made in His image”…I don’t take that literally but as a metaphor, as we are spiritual, imperfect reflections. If that’s true, how God describes Him-/Her-/It-self can inform me of something of myself.
At-Tawwab
The word Tawba (repentance) has the same root as Tawwab. Both these words mean to turn back to God, which is the same as saying turning back to Truth or Light or Alignment. When I make a mistake, I have a choice:
To ignore, stuff away, hide and deny the mistake, which ultimately prevents me from returning to true alignment with myself, the truth or reality of the situation and ultimately my Higher Power.
To admit, face and return myself back to true alignment with myself, the reality of the situation and ultimately re-alignment with Allah.
Only the second choice opens the door to forgiveness, as the first choice is a kind of denial that keeps me out of the reality of the situation as it is. The first choice keeps me stuck in a fantasy. The second choice, though possibly painful, is where reality is. By letting go of the safety of the fantasy and being present with the reality of the situation can I even acknowledge that I need forgiveness. Seeing where I may have acted outside my value system, admitting it to myself, can I see where I need forgiveness and then can make choices to move in that direction.
I think of this as the lightest kind of forgiveness. An easy kind to overlook and sometimes the hardest block to overcome. That first choice sometimes protects us psychologically until we’re ready. If we’re not careful though, it can become a crutch and we can avoid growth and development, staying stuck just because we want to avoid pain.
This is an easy kind of forgiveness to overlook
And sometimes consists of the hardest blocks to overcome.
If I can’t admit to even myself that I’ve made a mistake or missed the mark then how can I ever change anything about it? It’s such a simple step but simple doesn’t mean easy. If I feel shame, embarrassment, existential pain, or self-judgment to a deep enough degree then I will inherently shy away from looking at the source of the pain and miss the opportunity to begin the process to return to myself (and God). If this happens enough times I can feel disconnected from myself or even believe the distanced self is who I really am. I can begin to believe I’m something I’m not. For example, I used to really believe I was a monster and feared the day when people around me would realize it too. This was a result of my inability to face many of my mistakes due to the existential pain or toxic shame my mistakes triggered in me.
Al-Ghaffar
This quality is translated to mean “the One who is there to forgive whenever something should be forgiven.” The qualities ghaffar and ghaffur, are the two kinds of forgiveness most people mean when they talk about forgiveness. Ghaffar is the kind of forgiveness that’s repetitive, meaning it’s the kind of forgiveness one exercises when one forgives their loved one over and over again for the same thing, such as:
not putting the toilet seat down even though they know it bothers you, or
for making meals that are more functional than pleasurable to eat.
It can be a forgiveness for something that happened only once, such as when something irritates or is difficult.
Ghaffar is also the kind of forgiveness where one covers the mistakes, bad deeds or thoughts of themselves or others. When I cover my own bad thoughts, it also means I don’t act on them. I cover the bad deeds of others by not bringing the bad deed up, such as avoiding gossip or not bringing them up over and over again to the person who made the mistake. I accept that the mistake happened and when I’m ready to, let it go. This kind of forgiveness can be granted from a place of kindness, compassion and/or mercy.
Al-Ghafur
One of my teachers writes:
“Al-Ghafur goes to the worst thing ever done to us. Al-Ghafur touches this place deep in our heart. This divine forgiveness reaches that which we thought was unforgiveable, inexcusable. Al-Ghafur is the One who forgives a specific, given situation.” (Al-Rawi 137).
I think of this as the Big Forgiveness. The one we often wrestle with consciously, possibly for years. I know I need to forgive myself, or someone else, to move on but just can’t or am not ready to yet. I have noticed during my personal growth work, because this is a big forgiveness, this kind of forgiveness, once done, can lead to major shifts in my life, or big internal changes I can actually notice. It can lead to real healing. I have definitely needed other people’s help, support and wisdom to approach and move through forgiving many of these major points of stuck-ness in my life.
Al-‘Afuw
This is the “forgive and forget” kind of forgiveness. I think of this as the highest level of forgiveness. Growing up I thought forgiving someone always meant this kind of forgiveness. I hesitated to forgive someone because if I also forgot what they did, it meant they could do it again. I feared being treated the same painful way over and over again. It felt like I was giving the other person permission to treat me the same way in the future. If I give this kind of forgiveness all the time, in every situation, then in a way, I am. It becomes enabling and not really forgiving.
Now, I believe this is the highest level of forgiveness and not always appropriate to grant in every situation. My favorite metaphor for this Quality is: One who erases the footsteps left in the sand. Basically, when Allah grants this level of forgiveness, the deed or thought is so fully forgiven that it’s as if it never existed. If it never existed then there are also no consequences to suffer from it. When I as a human, grant this level of forgiveness, I can see how I have to do so responsibly and not from a place of spiritual by-pass. When this is possible, I like to support my clients to get to the level of al-Ghafur or Al-‘Afuw so they can experience the healing that results from it.
Understanding that there are different levels and kinds of forgiveness makes it easier to forgive without feeling like I have to betray myself or ignore my pain. I have options in what kind of forgiveness I want to give so I can let go of the burden of carrying the consequences of my or someone else’s mistakes. I share this in the hopes it offers you the same empowerment and freedom.
May we each experience the ease, healing and freedom that comes with forgiving ourselves and others authentically and from true compassion. Ameen.
Peace and Light,
Mariam-Saba
Reference:
Al-Rawi, Rosina-Fawzia. Divine Names, the 99 Healing Names of the One Love. Northampton, Massachusetts. 2015. Pg 137.
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