Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

snow globe

,

Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

,
Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

…Here it is, my dark little snow globe. It keeps my attention focused on a very small area of existence. It has a castle, it has land rich with potential, and it has an outer glass that doesn’t limit the view but does feel safe, secure and contained.

In moments of distress and pain, my historical limited thinking is to keep my world small. Look at this dark little globe and don’t get overwhelmed with life. It’s all here and there is nothing more to want or need, so don’t be greedy and look elsewhere or want more. But when I can actually be in the reality of my life, my life is exciting, full, happy, and so hopeful…