Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

Personal Musings

It’s Safe To Be Gentle In This World

It’s Safe To Be Gentle In This World

What I witnessed growing up was that if you didn’t fight, life, and the people in it, would eat you up. You had to be strong or life would drain you of everything and you would be left with nothing. One time, when I was a teenager, I witnessed something that didn’t go along with this. My family and I were in India, visiting with some adults my Mom wanted to spend time with. I was half listening to their conversation, only because I didn’t really understand the language. But at one point, the woman was describing someone and used the description “simple as a cow”. Being an American, that seemed really insulting. They explained to me, that it was complimentary to be described in such a way. It meant the person’s nature was gentle, easy and without deception. And it was openly acknowledged as a good thing. This really blew my mind.

,

The Guest House

,
The Guest House

A few years ago, I used to believe God was there, and maybe for other people He was there often, but for me, it was really only during emergencies. So I didn’t actively engage in any attempts to communicate with Allah, except to ask for things without any expectations of them being granted. I didn’t even know it was possible for a normal human beings to have a relationship with Allah…Then, I began hearing people share their experiences of having a relationship with Allah. What they described was a two-way communication, not one sided. Allah answered them back and they didn’t have to be a saint. I wanted that. How did I get that?

,

Barzakh from Survival Mindset to Abundance Mindset

,
Barzakh from Survival Mindset to Abundance Mindset

In this barzakh, I was trying to steer my ship toward a star, guiding me to my inner happiness, by looking at the lessons of my past. I was facing backwards, trying to course correct based on the lessons of my past. And then checking my bearings by looking forward at the star. My guidance was, it’s time to fully face forward, keeping my eye on the star (Allah). My ship’s steering would remain wobbly and shaky until I did so. At some point, the lessons of my past could no longer inform my choices of the future. My past taught me skills about survival, especially in difficult and bleak situations. To live a life of gratitude and happiness, it required a whole new set of skills I had never encountered, let alone developed within me.

,

Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

,
Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

…Here it is, my dark little snow globe. It keeps my attention focused on a very small area of existence. It has a castle, it has land rich with potential, and it has an outer glass that doesn’t limit the view but does feel safe, secure and contained.

In moments of distress and pain, my historical limited thinking is to keep my world small. Look at this dark little globe and don’t get overwhelmed with life. It’s all here and there is nothing more to want or need, so don’t be greedy and look elsewhere or want more. But when I can actually be in the reality of my life, my life is exciting, full, happy, and so hopeful…

,

You Are Worthy Because You Breathe

,
You Are Worthy Because You Breathe

…Daily, maybe hourly, I experienced toxic shame that stemmed from a belief that I wasn’t worthy of anything.... I wasn’t even worthy of the air I breathed. It was extreme and it was really painful. Then someone said to me, “you’re worthy because you breathe.” That was an interesting and jolting statement. Could it be true?