Upon the eve of the signing of my divorce papers, in a torrent of grief, I reached out to a trusted friend. Crying about the reality that I’d likely never see my ex-husband again my friend, attempting to console me said something interesting and unexpected, though not surprising. “Thank God you didn’t have children together.” Her sentiment came from a deeply loving place as she’d witnessed the evolution of the relationship with the eventual downfall and an unnecessarily terrible and difficult divorce. Upon hanging up our call, I reflected on her words.
The emotionally mature and logical part of me agreed with her. Despite the grief, it was indeed a mercy that without kids, I’ll never see him again. And, there was a place in my heart that didn’t agree. I was surprised to feel that this place in me would gladly endure the terrible hardship of having children with this man just so I could still have him in my life. Because I loved him.
It was indeed a mercy that without kids, I’ll never see him again.
And, there was a place in my heart that didn’t agree. This place would gladly endure the terrible hardship just so I could still have him in my life. Because I loved him.
That revelation really shocked me. It also helped to lock some pieces of my what-is-love puzzle into place. Many years ago I was told “there is no such thing as unconditional love, except possibly between a child and a parent.” That didn’t make sense. A year after that, a mentor told me that love consisted of two things: the feeling and the action of love. That didn’t feel like the whole story either.
Now, but now, it came together. I loved my ex-husband unconditionally. I experience the feeling of love unconditionally. Even with our extensive history filled with unhealthy behaviors, I still felt love for him. It wasn’t a trauma bond, or an energy cord, or any other kind of unhealthy attachment. It was just love. I only wanted him in my life. This place in my heart didn’t care about the how’s or consequences to myself.
Over time, as I cleaned up my actions and behaviors, as I healed my internal world, I couldn’t express my feelings of love through action. I couldn’t act out my love in the same ways I used to. Though my feelings were unconditional, my actions and behaviors could not be. I’m interacting with an adult man. It’s not loving, to either of us, to continue to enable either of our unhealthy behaviors or to ignore my own safety and wellbeing. The actions of my love have to be conditional, even if my feelings were unconditional.
Even if my feelings were unconditional,
the actions of my love have to be conditional.
I’ll say that again:
The actions of my love have to be conditional, even if my feelings were unconditional.
Mind blown.
I better understand what the first person meant by “there is no such thing as unconditional love except possibly between a child and a parent.” When children are young, they are exploring the world and the people in it. They just don’t know anything. Also, they are small and powerless enough that they can not cause real physical harm or damage. So a parent loving the child in emotion and action unconditionally is safe and appropriate.
When children are older, even as teenagers, their brains and bodies are more fully developed. They can impact the world around them in real ways and cause real damage, physical and emotional. It is safe to continue to emotionally love unconditionally, but not to behave or act outwardly with what the recipient is likely to interpret as unconditional love. Nor does it help the child to understand the world if the parent doesn’t play out natural consequences for the child. What that first person was talking about was unconditional love in the form of actions or behaviors towards young children.
What I learned was two adults can love one another unconditionally in feeling, because I loved my ex-husband unconditionally. I loved him emotionally unconditionally. I felt the feeling of love unconditionally. No matter what had gone on between us, no matter the actions and harm I experienced, I still could feel the feeling of love for him.
What I have also learned is that it is not wise to always make behavioral choices from this place blindly because there’s a line that once crossed, the action becomes enabling and/or self-betrayal, which is not ultimately a loving action towards myself and requires attention. Kindness always accompanies love and based on our definition of kindness, kindness does not always look like what we might expect it to. Kindness doesn’t always mean ease. So love doesn’t always result in immediate ease. Love sometimes requires boundaries or an acknowledgment of a painful truth. Perhaps this is part of the reason for the phrase “tough love”.
Loving action is very context based. It is customized to the moment and the people involved. Loving action can look and feel conditional to the recipient. If the recipient’s heart is closed and they can only receive actions as an expression of love, then their reality is they were loved conditionally, even if the giver emotionally loved unconditionally. No wonder love is so confusing.
No wonder love is so hard to define.
No wonder we can experience so many painful misunderstandings.
Without talking about it, without teachings, we’re left to making up our own definitions to fill in the gaps of our understanding. Once those definitions are locked in, if they are inaccurate or incomplete in any way, they just add to the confusion.
May we each give and receive love with an open heart. May we each know, or learn, what loving action to give in every situation we’re placed in. May we each experience the gift of unconditional love from ourselves, others and the Divine. Ameen.
Peace and Love,
Mariam-Saba
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