Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop

In Awe of Allah

Life is Full of Beautiful, Gentle, Tender Moments

Life is Full of Beautiful, Gentle, Tender Moments

It’s her birthday today (today meaning at the time I’m writing this). I felt a little sad that I couldn’t be a part of her day in any significant way, but with so much distance, with the time difference and everything else that seemed to stand in the way, it was understandable. So I felt my feelings and did what I could do, which was to sing her a birthday song. I sent her a voice message of me singing and then some additional birthday prayers and wishes. Unexpectedly, a few minutes later I received a response.

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You Are Worthy Because You Breathe

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You Are Worthy Because You Breathe

…Daily, maybe hourly, I experienced toxic shame that stemmed from a belief that I wasn’t worthy of anything.... I wasn’t even worthy of the air I breathed. It was extreme and it was really painful. Then someone said to me, “you’re worthy because you breathe.” That was an interesting and jolting statement. Could it be true?