Mariam-Saba Ahmad
Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How ...

The problem with not “showing up” in a relationship, namely not speaking up, sharing my reality, or conveying what’s going on with me, is I automatically have determined the outcome of the interaction. By making the choice to not show up, I’m making the choice for both of us, how the scenario is going to play out. Because it’s already playing out with my current silence. In this way, I’m playing both sides of the relationship. I’m playing my side, having my experience of the relationship and reacting to my experience. I’m playing the other side, in my head, imagining showing up and sharing whatever I want to share, imagining their reaction based on either my history and projections or based on our history and projection of who I see them as, imagining the fallout and difficulty in repair, if there even is a repair, and then choosing to not go down that road because it’s not worth it. I’ve just made the choice for both of us.

Playing Both Sides of the Relationship and How to Stop
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Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

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Looking Away From My Dark Snow Globe

…Here it is, my dark little snow globe. It keeps my attention focused on a very small area of existence. It has a castle, it has land rich with potential, and it has an outer glass that doesn’t limit the view but does feel safe, secure and contained.

In moments of distress and pain, my historical limited thinking is to keep my world small. Look at this dark little globe and don’t get overwhelmed with life. It’s all here and there is nothing more to want or need, so don’t be greedy and look elsewhere or want more. But when I can actually be in the reality of my life, my life is exciting, full, happy, and so hopeful…

Life is Full of Beautiful, Gentle, Tender Moments

Life is Full of Beautiful, Gentle, Tender Moments

It’s her birthday today (today meaning at the time I’m writing this). I felt a little sad that I couldn’t be a part of her day in any significant way, but with so much distance, with the time difference and everything else that seemed to stand in the way, it was understandable. So I felt my feelings and did what I could do, which was to sing her a birthday song. I sent her a voice message of me singing and then some additional birthday prayers and wishes. Unexpectedly, a few minutes later I received a response.

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You Are Worthy Because You Breathe

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You Are Worthy Because You Breathe

…Daily, maybe hourly, I experienced toxic shame that stemmed from a belief that I wasn’t worthy of anything.... I wasn’t even worthy of the air I breathed. It was extreme and it was really painful. Then someone said to me, “you’re worthy because you breathe.” That was an interesting and jolting statement. Could it be true?

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Love Is An Offering

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Love Is An Offering

My love, imagine a blank, light-filled space. Place the Light of Allah, like a wall, next to you. Look at the wall and there’s a window. When a man truly loves you, he will stand at that window, respecting Allah’s Light between you, and offer his love to you, like beautiful flowers. He may offer one or a bouquet, but he will not cross the threshold, he will offer his love, delicate, beautiful, and patient, at the threshold. My beloved, know, “no” is as valid an answer as “yes”. He is an adult, he wants you to receive him, but without you, he is still whole. Your answer will not break or harm him, as long as your response is equally loving, meaning delivered with truth, mercy, respect and care.